I have no buddies
I have my family, and they're great, but that's different.
I have a couple of "friends" at work, including one or two whom I'm "close" with. My cubicle neighbor, about whom I've written before, and I are close, and we talk a lot about life and personal stuff (she has issues), but I know that if we didn't sit next to each other, we certainly wouldn't talk as much as we currently do, so it's just really happenstance that we're as close as we are. She says that there are lots of times when she's not at work that she wishes she could talk to me, but that's generally about the "issues" that she has shared with me. She says that if one of us were to leave this job, we'd still be in touch a lot, but I've heard that before from other former coworkers whom I haven't heard from in years.
I have my bandmates, but I barely know them and don't talk to them outside of practice or exchanging emails about practice.
I don't have anyone who calls me to shoot the shit.
I don't have anyone who calls me wanting to hang out.
I've asked myself for most of my life why I wasn't popular, why I couldn't attract people who wanted to seek me out, rather than me always having to be the one to seek others out. Am I a loser? Am I boring? Am I a weirdo? Is my blinding brilliance too intimidating? I'm not a loner or anti-social -- I don't shun people if they talk to me, and I know how to hold a reasonably interesting conversation (although it has to be two-sided: I can't be the only one talking). But I've always been -- and apparently will always be -- invisible. And telling myself that I shouldn't care has only ever been partially effective.
Am I having a pity party? Yes. Too fucking bad.