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Thursday, November 03, 2005

I have no buddies

...and this depresses me when I think about it, so I try not to.

I have my family, and they're great, but that's different.

I have a couple of "friends" at work, including one or two whom I'm "close" with. My cubicle neighbor, about whom I've written before, and I are close, and we talk a lot about life and personal stuff (she has issues), but I know that if we didn't sit next to each other, we certainly wouldn't talk as much as we currently do, so it's just really happenstance that we're as close as we are. She says that there are lots of times when she's not at work that she wishes she could talk to me, but that's generally about the "issues" that she has shared with me. She says that if one of us were to leave this job, we'd still be in touch a lot, but I've heard that before from other former coworkers whom I haven't heard from in years.

I have my bandmates, but I barely know them and don't talk to them outside of practice or exchanging emails about practice.

I don't have anyone who calls me to shoot the shit.

I don't have anyone who calls me wanting to hang out.

I've asked myself for most of my life why I wasn't popular, why I couldn't attract people who wanted to seek me out, rather than me always having to be the one to seek others out. Am I a loser? Am I boring? Am I a weirdo? Is my blinding brilliance too intimidating? I'm not a loner or anti-social -- I don't shun people if they talk to me, and I know how to hold a reasonably interesting conversation (although it has to be two-sided: I can't be the only one talking). But I've always been -- and apparently will always be -- invisible. And telling myself that I shouldn't care has only ever been partially effective.

Am I having a pity party? Yes. Too fucking bad.


  • You know I think about this stuff far too much...and I think you know that I know what you mean.

    I just had a thought. Do you want buddies? Do you want people to call you and shoot the shit, do you want people to hang out with?

    The reason I ask is that I have just been thinking about those people I know who have lots of friends, who are 'popular" etc. And for the most part I would not choose to have their friends or their types of friendships. Gossiping to everyone and talking about unimportant-to-me shit does not suit my personality.

    I also think people have different reqiurements for friendships. What I term "acquaintance" is what lots of people would call friend. I think maybe i have ridiculously high "friend" standards.

    Not saying you are the same. I just wanted to join your pity party :

    By Anonymous suze, at 5:18 PM  

  • I have very few close friends -and they are people I have known for 20 plus years. That's the way I like it - I don't want superficial friendships. Interesting how blogging and the internet comes into 'friendship'.

    By Anonymous Ruth, at 1:39 AM  

  • If I had "a very few close friends", I'd be content (I think).

    By Blogger David, at 7:08 AM  

  • Ha. I ask myself many of the same questions far too often for someone who ought by now to know that angst and suffering are in fact the core of the human condition and as such are to be celebrated as verification, not railed against as The Enemy. *sigh*
    I'd offer to be a buddy but I make a very bad one. Instead, know this: On days when I feel I just can't go on, I look up your blog and am uplifted by the fact that you are sentient, can spell English, and that you actually punctuate. Also, I was inspired by you to start my very own blog, even though I can't remember what I called it... the blogger thing wouldn't let me call it what I wanted so I invented stuff without leaving a breadcrumb trail and now it and its lone entry are lost to me and the world forever. Probably a good thing.
    I don't want to spoil your pity party by trying to cheer you up so for what it's worth: You ARE alone.
    Me too. I'd post a loooong essay about this on my own blog if I could find it. *sigh... sigh*

    Yours in invisibility, misery and grammar.


    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:35 AM  

  • Well... um... hm.

    For now, I will simply point out the irony in closing a comment with "Yours in invisibility, misery and grammar" and then following it up with a :-)

    By Blogger David, at 8:23 AM  

  • But thank you for your kind words, Audrey. If you'd like to write me, my contact info is to the right...

    By Blogger David, at 9:23 AM  

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